human x (humanx) wrote,
human x
humanx

oh my god, Chip, their hair is...black!

I've been reading a whole lot of Etiquette Hell recently. It's addictive. It's also not easy to link to any particular story, so I present you with....






It's kind of long, but this story may even qualify as Faux Pas Of the Year, instead of just "Weddings From Hell". Although dubbing it "From Hell" would certainly be appropriate. A couple of years ago I was dating a guy named Tay, and he told me that some friends of his that I didn't know were getting married, but they'd invited him "and guest" so would I like to be his date? He'd take care of the gift, since I didn't know the couple. He said I'd find them somewhat strange, but how strange could a wedding be, I thought. (DUN DUN DUNNNNN.... ominous music) I said I'd be delighted to go. Big mistake.


It wasn't just a tacky wedding. EVERYTHING about the wedding was downright HORRIFIC. One disaster after another. I shudder to think about it even now. To start off, the wedding was held outdoors. In the dead of night. On a full moon. In front of a CEMETERY. AAAAAHHHH! There were even no decorations in the wedding area. The closest thing there was the flowers scattered throughout the cemetery. Most of the guests wore black. Some even had black hair and makeup. Even male guests. I couldn't believe it. And one woman wore a floor-length (or ground-length, I suppose) white gown. Another guest was carrying a cat, another was carrying a SNAKE..... you get the idea.


The bride and groom had hired a string quartet, they were dressed all in BLACK LEATHER and didn't play anything that wasn't in a minor key. Even the "here comes the bride" music sounded like a dirge.


The wedding party, that's where I finally admitted to myself it wasn't going to improve. There were two male and two female groom's attendants, and two male and two female bride's attendants, too. There was NO clear MOH or BM. The groom's attendants all wore purple shirts and black pants, purple lipstick and black eye makeup and white face paint, and carried one white candle. The bride's attendants all wore white shirts and black pants, black lipstick and eye makeup and white face paint, and carried one purple candle. No flowers, pants on the female attendants, and makeup on the male attendants.


THEN came the couple. The groom wore leather pants and boots, and a white, open-necked shirt. In any other setting, that shirt may have been nice, if a bit nineteenth-century. Needless to say, it may have been the highlight of the event. Anyway, he was wearing a LEATHER COLLAR, five earrings, and an eyebrow ring, and the same makeup as his attendants, and his hair was purple to match it, his attendants, and the bride's attendants' candles. And the bride's gown.


The bride... where do I begin? She was about a foot taller than the groom, she wore white face paint and black lipstick and eye makeup that swirled onto her temples and cheekbones. And combat boots. No veil, no train, no flowers, nothing. Her gown showed off her arms, back, and some of her legs above her boots. It also showed off the tattoos she had all over those parts of her body. Her (black) hair was pulled back to show off the seven rings in each ear.


I don't know who told these people that this was acceptable at a wedding. The pastor was old, he looked about five minutes away from disintegration. The blessing was unbelievable, he said the most appallingly inappropriate things, like how in just a few short decades they would be buried here in this cemetery, side by side, six feet under, in matching coffins, rotting together for all eternity. I remember that part word for word because it was in the Addams family. I thought I was going to be sick. (Not at the imagery, but at the fact that it was being said as nuptials.)


I only stayed because I wasn't sure I wanted to be seen leaving early by these people. Needless to say, I spent most of the ceremony reconsidering dating anybody who'd have that type as friends.


We all had to walk to the reception which was at a big old house three blocks away from the ceremony. The leather string quartet came with us to provide music there, much to my dismay.


It didn't get better away from the cemetery. The house was dimly lit and full of cobwebs. There was no champagne, instead they had a lot of red wine to drink and toast with. I didn't recognize a single one of the dishes in the buffet, and a lot of them were cold. There was no planned seating arrangement, they barely had tables. A lot of people had to just stand around holding their plates in one hand, with their wine glass on a nearby sideboard. Or else sit on a sofa with their plates in their lap. Tay managed to get us seats at a table, but then I had to work to avoid making eye contact with anybody.


Since there was no best man, nobody made a speech, and most of the guests who tried to dance didn't have partners. All the gifts had been given earlier, and they were on display on a table. Not a one of them was an appropriate wedding gift. Only one person had even given money, and HE had folded a check up and put it in a puzzle box. Tay pointed out the gift with the tag that said "From Tay and [my name]". It was a pair of hip flasks, one with a dragon on it, the other with a skull and crossbones.


So I wrote two notes, one saying they should be disgusted at what they're doing to the tradition of marriage, and another breaking up with Tay, and then went to the bathroom and climbed out the window.  Needless to say, I've been screening my calls ever since.    Wedhell0524-03
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